sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
