Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
You can't motorboat a personality
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
organizing the empties. That sober.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize