this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
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