Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
