Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
