My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
We named our party play list daddy issues
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
