Are we in a gay sports bar?
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
