Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just had sex on a roof
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
