I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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