also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
