I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
