The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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