I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
