Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
