seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
