Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
