i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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