Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
We have started to decorate penises.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
