I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
