Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
