Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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