I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
