maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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