do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
