I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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