I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
