I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize