she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
