His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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