yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
