You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
