I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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