all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
