Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
