I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
