All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
