Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
