I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I just had sex on a roof
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
