We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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