Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
