It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize