My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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