So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
