i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
