is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
