Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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