I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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