Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
