i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
