I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
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