Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
