Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
