I'm pants shitting drunk right now
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
