So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
