I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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