Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
