I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
