Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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