That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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