I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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